i keep my thoughts in boxes.

On the back shelf, tucked away
Where I can’t see them
Can’t hear them shuffling
Waiting to spring free

I refuse to open them
Touch them, even think about them

Because then they exist
Then they have to be dealt with
I can’t do that
I’m not strong enough

Not as strong as my aunt
Who lies in a hospital bed, miles away
Pins in her back,
Cancer cells intertwined with her spine
Infused in her bones
A tumour in her knee
Fluid in her lungs

She can’t ignore the pain anymore
Her organs are failing
And she knows it
She’s starting to hallucinate
She’s fading, after two years of battle

They say I’m like her.
I’m nothing like her.

I’ll never be as strong,
As brave or determined
To keep on going
My words are nothing, can do nothing
To describe her courage
And immense love for others
That has kept her heart beating

She’s the strongest woman I’ll know
And she doesn’t deserve
To be kept in a box on a shelf anymore

I need to be strong
But my chest is so heavy
I can’t let this pain out
Or it might tear me apart

How can this happen
It’s not fucking fair
How can someone with so much love
And so much to live for
Be stolen from a world that needs her

You can’t take her, you can’t

I can’t stop crying
It won’t stop hurting
I don’t know when it’ll stop
But at least she’ll be resting somewhere
Free from suffering, at peace
That’s what matters.