sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together.

expectations.

you expect me to do that? really? who do you think i am?
hold on.
you don't expect me to that for you? of course i would. do you know nothing about me at all?

sometimes i notice that i live my life around other people's expectations of me.
whether thats the expectations they actually place on me, or the ones that i fabricate in my particularly paranoid mind.

they can be whispers, they can be chains. they can drive you to success, or push you further and further into the bitter-tasting ground. so controlling, so manipulative. they've reduced me to tears, caving in on myself, knocking me off my feet. what do i do?

occasionally, i do it so much that i begin to lose sight of myself. of who i really am. i become numb. i will only answer to the people who are most influential and manipulative, and not to myself. i stop trusting myself, my instincts, my ability to act spontaneously without concern for the consequences. don't get me wrong, consequences are more than important. but really? to constantly think about the ifs and buts of life ALL THE TIME just drag you down. trust me. thats not living, thats called waiting.

i don't know what you expect me to say. and for once, i don't care if i'm saying the predictable thing.
putting myself second comes naturally to me. im not proud of it, but its who i am.
this time though, i just can't do it.
i don't have the energy to be that strong. to pretend that well.
and i hope you don't expect me to apologise, because im not going to.

leona ...

so what if it hurts me?
so what if i break down?
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out off ground?
i've got to find my place
i want to hear my sound
dont care about all the pain inside of me
because im just trying to be happy.

one whole year.

exactly a year gone by.
what do i feel?
regret?
anger?
remorse?
contentment?
peace?


tired.
ive waited for as long as i can
for what i wanted.
and now it is time to stop.
i have a friend
who would wait without fail until death
or some other desire consumed her
for the one she loved.
but thats not me.
because i have tasted my dream
was it worth it?
maybe i'll never know.


now, it is time to say
goodnight.

certain films have an effect on me sometimes.

a man and his son are running for a bus. they're broke and desperate; they can't bare to spend another night sleeping in a locked public toilet. if they miss this bus, the chance for a safe place to rest tonite will be gone.

the bus is about to leave. the man takes his six-year old son's hand and begins to yell in order to get the driver's attention. amidst the panic, the confused little boy drops his only possesion: a Captain America action figure. this toy is his one friend in the world. it reminds him of the home and the mother he used to have. besides his father, the toy is the only thing he trusts.

he pulls at his father's grasp and cries out, terrified of leaving his friend behind. however the bus is pulling away, and ignoring his son's protests, resorts to dragging him across the road. just in time, the driver sees them and opens the rusty doors. the man sighs with immense relief as the thought of the night in a secure place to stay comes back into focus. yet when he looks down at his son, he sees fresh, silent tears running down his cheeks.

following the boy's hopeless gaze, and outstretched hand, he spots a familiar action figure lying on its side in the road, abandoned. so quiet in his despair, the boy takes his father's hand and sobs into the sleeve of his suit. he understands why he had to leave his friend behind, but he can't help grieving. the boy will never seen his toy again.

how could something so precious be left behind and never returned to? why do the most devasting occurences usually happen in a matter of a seconds? such an impact deserves more time; even the little things like leaving a beloved toy lying in the road.

it makes me want to claw my stomach out.