from the inside, out.

I'm not sure I know how to do this anymore

I think, I've pushed it down far enough

That now, even when I lie still

Blank space before me

I snatch at words, but I can't grasp them

I lose sight of meaning

Realising, maybe, that it was never there

Feelings are numbed

A leper; parts of me thrown aside

Infected, discarded

I don't know what's left

Too scared to look down

Fleeting moments of bright light

And piercing clarity, and then -

Your voices have crept up behind me

I am lost again

How can one form a sentence

Speak, and be heard

Think, dream, believe in anything

When they're fading

Ceasing to be

From the inside, out

How can one offer anything of themselves

When there's simply nothing left to give

Suppressed to the point of suffocation

Although, I guess

It was all worthless anyway

I need someone to reach under

Pull me out of this place

But even if I could make a noise

Piece a phrase together 

No one should hear me

It is easier to linger here

And save them the trouble

Or avoid the risk of 

Pulling them down with me

It is dark and quiet here

And I am waiting 

And I am nothing

 

dislocation.

I used to feel them both moving,

Creaking, caps of bone

Edging closer towards 

- pain, blinding pain 

One slip, a fatal twist and - 

It's surprising how much agony

A dislocated piece of you 

Can cause, that scream-inducing

Roaring flash of red 

Followed swiftly by tidal wave

Of sickly nausea, as you sense

Something

   Not quite in th

     e right place 

Your body becomes 

A ticking clock, but the hands 

Are bent inwards, scratching

The polished surface 

As they travel round 

Screeching against resistance

Slowed, and time shifts

Out of sync with the world

And so you cease to function

As you should - who are you?

A flawed human being, therefore -

More human than the rest? 

But the pain, endurable 

The dislodged lump of cartlige

Slowly slides back into place

No, there comes more 

The worst, the very worst

The very thought that this 

Is going to repeat 

Your tendons, stretched elastic

Useless against the fall

Faith in the limbs that held you

Gone, shattered -

Irreparable?

As he reached in,

Pulled me apart

With handfuls of muscle and

Bloody sinew, he tied me

Back together, functioning,

Flawless scars present 

A surgical shoelace, glued

With sharp metal screws

Back on your feet, 

There you go

And now I build 

Claw back that trust again 

Held together, yet still

My trust wavers 

Bones assembled like a 

Jenga tower in bags of skin 

I am uncertain 

Body, mind and soul resting

On those futile caps of 

Calcium, crumbling 

Waiting for that fatal slip - 

the painters are in.

Blood comes

Red splashed on white

A surprise once,

I never expected 

The unexpected again

But here it is, red

Thick, heavy

Unflinching, red

I stare

A week late, I figured

It might never come

Hoped, it might have realised 

It wasn't supposed to be 

Always an abstract,

No meaning, of little consequence

Besides a little 

Inconvenience 

Now, unlike that regular beat

Usually maintained, undisturbed

My heart sinks

Here it is

Unflinching, red

Red splashed on white

Resisting the inevitable is

Futile, but I can't help thinking,

Sooner than most

Maybe it'll move on

Decide that it's good for

Nothing here, in this body

That doesn't belong

A crimson smudge of

Womanhood, motherhood

Rites of passages that 

I no longer claim

Take it, take it, please

It brings, not a routine comfort

A smear of identity, no,

A sticky, hot reminder

Of who I no longer am

A place I can't return to

A void I have yet to fill

I am stained with 

Indignity, falsity 

And there's nothing I can do

But wait 

As the blood runs, red

Until it runs dry

And I can put the pieces

Back together again.

rage.

My blood is boiling

I'm dragging nails against

Dry, broken skin just to avoid

Screaming and screaming and

Wishing I could somehow just

Let

This

Out

But that would be too easy.

Suppress it,

Push it down, down

Drown them out

Find my voice again

My voice 

Mine

I don't know where it is

What it sounds like

Just constant shouting

All I hear is

You're a disgrace,

They all know it

They all see it

Louder, louder

Mounting rage

Shaking shaking

NO

Push it down

Smile, for fucks sake

Smile and breathe

Up and down 

Up and down

Every day

Rising, falling

Rib cage expanding

Air out, emotions in

Deep and buried

Push them down

Right down

Where I can't see them

Can no longer hear them

Just for a bit

For a second

Let me rest

Let me breathe

Red, hot rage, when I open my eyes

When they fall, closed again

Exhausted in the early hours

Forcing its way up my throat 

Like sticky, swelling bile

Where else can it go

I want to let it out but

I can't bear the pain

Of being torn to pieces again.

approval.

You know what annoys me?

The fact that I spent
                                    weeks
                                    months
                                    years

trying to gain the approval
of your family,
smiling at jokes that weren't funny
obeying their rules
complying with their customs
filling in the 'best friend' slot
as adequately as I could
even though it hurt me so much
i had to bury my love for you
reserve it for those few moments
when we were truly alone
whisper sweet nothings into your ear
not just at night -
all fucking day
'shush, they'll hear you'

and now,
he just waltzes in, of course
striding into your life
into that place in your heart
that once belonged to me
and they bow to him
because he is right,
because he fits

not because he is a good person
(despite the fact he is)
but because he is a man.

i was your dirty little secret
and he's the badge you wear
with happiness and pride
the man on your arm
they love him to pieces

i don't begrudge him that
he's wonderful, he'll make you happy
loved, so he should be

but it feels like
a drop-kick in the chest
knowing that they love him
and see in all that splendour
how good he is for you
when, despite all my best efforts
they never got to see how good I was
or love me that much
in that way
for making you my world
i was never accepted
and after so little time
he's a keeper without trial.