needed.

what is this desire to be needed
it sucks me dry
consumes all my energy
to be there, all the time,
to be better than anyone else
at being there
because in my head its the only thing i'm good at

your trust is the one thing
i will treasure above all else
love takes a while to
sink in
but trust, now that's a gift
but when i fail you
as i often do
and a piece of that trust falls away
i fall away
guilt implodes inside and i am thrown
into nothingness
my purpose has gone
i'm not worth the air i inhale anymore

a mental illness, i sometimes think
this cloying paranoia
constantly needing
to be needed
to be that one person
you can rely on, always

but i just need it to stop for a moment

it hurts too much

its killing me
and its no-one's fault but mine

it doesn't make any sense
i know i'll never be first
and that's okay
but just give me a minute
i'm going round in circles

that pain is gaining round again
pushing through the queue
before all the people
that need me
someone stop it, please

these thoughts are trapped
i can't breathe
that air i don't deserve has truly disappeared
and so have my loved ones
and my purpose along with it

this desire to be needed
a disease, that paralyses
i'm a puppet on a string
that's all i am.

Sleep, please come and rescue me

And guide me into dreaming

Before I lose me way again

The darkness lied

I'm screaming

water's edge.

so this is what happens when she's left alone
she stands under cascading self-reflections
and has no choice but write them away
clinging to her skin, she brushes them off
streams of water falling, she must set them free
else the voices will start ringing
and the words will start scribbling themselves
into her warm, weak, co-dependent arms
come hold me, someone
no soldier, just a victim
a shower of truth and secrets,
waiting for sweet release from this
heavy, gentle, never-ending rainfall
head first, can't be sure
confessional font of water pure
words start sticking
voices drifting
so she tries to drown them
contain them within each drop
every tear that rolls past, down
her aching throat
the salt of conviction rushing through her veins
currents rising pacing
colliding into air
she can hear the voices fading
she can feel the words evading
her empty, choking mind
last thoughts, sinking,
that water, silk on gurgling lips,
purging rivers of mercy
and the rainfall let her be.

won't stop.

what am i doing here

- you don't know shit
- not really

i thought i did
i thought i knew something

- but you don't

i don't know anything
not really

- nope
- you're a defeatist

they say
just reading the signs, i say
they want me to

- jump hurdles
- mid-sprint,
- every one

but i just crash
into them
watch them
fall

- you might as well
have not even
started this race at all

good for nothing
can't stop whining

- shut up, Alice
- no-one wants to hear it

just got to keep running
only, i can't even do that
don't think they'd notice
if i stopped showing up

- just drop off the radar
- they won't wish you luck
- don't even bother trying

can't stop crying
i can't stop.

skipping chapters.

is it wrong
to wish your life away
eighteen and fuelled with
youth
energy
alcohol
excitement
each day a cacophony of
laughter, tears, yawning
screaming, rising
                         falling

and yet
i long, not for
rushes in the bloodstream
intoxication and
bassline highs
but

tranquility
the soft, monotony
of a secure adult life
a house with bay windows
four bedrooms, coloured walls
safety and happiness in one's lifelong dream
love, everlasting and
a God that walks with me, side by side
and not above me, not straining His back each morning
to lift me, put me back on my feet

weekend breaks and unconditional love
a warm bed, a clear head

born to be middle-aged,
its always been a bad habit of mine
skip a few chapters, to get to the end
but I'm not wishing it away just yet

get my mistakes out the way first
then we'll settle for the rest.