leaning.

You're leaning against the railings

On the roof of a building

The wind cuts at your skin

You can see for miles

The sky doesn't seem as far away

As the ground does now

The ground, down below

You look, and curious for more

You search to see where the building 

Meets the earth

Further, you push yourself

Head angled, hands gripping steel

When that momentum propels you

A little further than you intended-

For a split second you're already falling

And nauseating pain

A fishing hook dragged 

Up and through your diaphragm

And into your mouth

Soundlessly screaming-

Then you right yourself

Pull your body away from the edge

Head flings back

And your feet never felt 

So firmly planted

Swallow the bile, the fear

Racing heart slows

You'll survive another day.

That feeling, that choking inevitable

Screeching nausea

As you tilt over into open space

Is constant these days

I see over the edge

I'm too close

I can hear the blood 

Roaring in my ears, pressure building

The sky is upturning

One more push

And I'll start falling

Failure, then there's no going back

I'm so close.

air supply.

Fingers close around my throat

Thumbs press on my larynx

Tightens grasp

And the air leaves me

Momentary,

I exist in a world without function

Sparks dance in my eyes

And my brain hungers 

Starved of life

Throat is parched, dry

Chest paralysed

I feel it caving in

Against its will

No consent for this

Blood, ceases

The flow is cut

No spluttering,

I long for stillness, for

A stop.

Release.

And it rushes back

Life resumes

Body rises

I drink it in

The sweetness of it

Cool and clear

And cleansing

Purging my body of

Piling toxins 

Heart pumps vivaciously

Rhythm restored

Lesson learnt.

not good enough.

Failure

Doesn't try hard enough

Under achieving

No motivation

Lacks common sense

A disgrace

Stutters her words

Undesired

Doesn't deserve

Doesn't fit

Will never fit

Laughable

Not capable

Inconsistent

Indecisive

Waste of space.

Piece by truthful piece

They form her

Each word a brick

In her crumbling wall of

Self worth.

ice/mare.

I'm walking on ice
Sheet ice,
Thin as card
Every step, and a crack
Echoes across the surface
The inky black below,
Nothingness,
I can see breathing
Wisps of me
In front of my face
Limited, they disappear
As if they never existed
Naked, shaking
The cold bites at my skin
I'd call out
You're by the shore, somewhere
Safe on solid ground
There's comfort in that
But you're moving too far away
And I'm panicking
And my steps are heavier
Every breath, quicker
And I'm scared
More so, than the
Nothingness
That you won't reach
And help me
Why should you,
I'm the one who's
Thrown myself across
To this place
Sharp, the ice edges closer
It's cutting me
Blood spreads, like
Thick butter
Shatters
And I'm drowning
And I can't see you
And

holding on.

I feel as though
on a knife edge

that scathing blade
lying, passive

waiting for
that one raging
silent night

when thoughts
boil over into despair
and the phone is too

far to

reach



I'm holding my breath
and my lungs
are slowly aching
with building pressure
can't be sated

until the pain has
carved its way through my skin

I need to release these words
but
refresh the page
refresh the page
waiting lists aren't
for the impatient

I can't hold on much longer
I'm drowning in guilt

stop with the pity party,
she says
but is it still a party
if its all in my head?