i know nothing.

I know nothing of war,

I know nothing of pain,

I know nothing of starvation,

Of disease, of abuse

Torture, suffering

Mental illness

Neglect, poverty, exploitation

I don't even know anything of death.

So why do I hurt so much? I have no right.

How can I believe in God, in hope, in kindness, when that's all I've ever known, when I've never known the dark side?

Does my innocence, my privilege, make me weak? Weaker than most. Too weak, so that I buckle, and give in at every chance.

Do I deserve to help people, when I've never had to help myself? How can I tell anyone that it's going to be okay, when its not.

Every inch of my being screams,

Spineless. Senseless. Hopeless. Worthless. 

Less.

I know nothing.

I wish I had the courage

To get in the car

Buy the cheapest pack of cigarettes 

And a bottle of Koppaberg cider

From the corner shop

Drive up to the woods

And sit in the darkness

Feel the rain on my skin

The only light, the faint glow

Of streetlights reflected 

Upon the night sky, and the flame 

Of a lighter, a cigarette end

Crushed into the forest floor

And close my eyes, 

Listen to the wind, feel the cold 

Through to my very bones

So I have no choice 

But to listen to my thoughts

No distractions, mind made clearer

With each passing gulp, swallow

No choice but to face

The pathetic excuse I am

And be free of it, 

For a few minutes, 

Walk away from myself

Let, me, fade away 

Like I never existed 

Like the mistakes I made

Never happened

Because I wasn't here to make them

Instead I just lie here again

Gathering dust

Paralysed by those mistakes I made

Because I made them

And there's nothing I can do to change them,

To change me.

needed.

what is this desire to be needed
it sucks me dry
consumes all my energy
to be there, all the time,
to be better than anyone else
at being there
because in my head its the only thing i'm good at

your trust is the one thing
i will treasure above all else
love takes a while to
sink in
but trust, now that's a gift
but when i fail you
as i often do
and a piece of that trust falls away
i fall away
guilt implodes inside and i am thrown
into nothingness
my purpose has gone
i'm not worth the air i inhale anymore

a mental illness, i sometimes think
this cloying paranoia
constantly needing
to be needed
to be that one person
you can rely on, always

but i just need it to stop for a moment

it hurts too much

its killing me
and its no-one's fault but mine

it doesn't make any sense
i know i'll never be first
and that's okay
but just give me a minute
i'm going round in circles

that pain is gaining round again
pushing through the queue
before all the people
that need me
someone stop it, please

these thoughts are trapped
i can't breathe
that air i don't deserve has truly disappeared
and so have my loved ones
and my purpose along with it

this desire to be needed
a disease, that paralyses
i'm a puppet on a string
that's all i am.