needed.

what is this desire to be needed
it sucks me dry
consumes all my energy
to be there, all the time,
to be better than anyone else
at being there
because in my head its the only thing i'm good at

your trust is the one thing
i will treasure above all else
love takes a while to
sink in
but trust, now that's a gift
but when i fail you
as i often do
and a piece of that trust falls away
i fall away
guilt implodes inside and i am thrown
into nothingness
my purpose has gone
i'm not worth the air i inhale anymore

a mental illness, i sometimes think
this cloying paranoia
constantly needing
to be needed
to be that one person
you can rely on, always

but i just need it to stop for a moment

it hurts too much

its killing me
and its no-one's fault but mine

it doesn't make any sense
i know i'll never be first
and that's okay
but just give me a minute
i'm going round in circles

that pain is gaining round again
pushing through the queue
before all the people
that need me
someone stop it, please

these thoughts are trapped
i can't breathe
that air i don't deserve has truly disappeared
and so have my loved ones
and my purpose along with it

this desire to be needed
a disease, that paralyses
i'm a puppet on a string
that's all i am.