expectations.

you expect me to do that? really? who do you think i am?
hold on.
you don't expect me to that for you? of course i would. do you know nothing about me at all?

sometimes i notice that i live my life around other people's expectations of me.
whether thats the expectations they actually place on me, or the ones that i fabricate in my particularly paranoid mind.

they can be whispers, they can be chains. they can drive you to success, or push you further and further into the bitter-tasting ground. so controlling, so manipulative. they've reduced me to tears, caving in on myself, knocking me off my feet. what do i do?

occasionally, i do it so much that i begin to lose sight of myself. of who i really am. i become numb. i will only answer to the people who are most influential and manipulative, and not to myself. i stop trusting myself, my instincts, my ability to act spontaneously without concern for the consequences. don't get me wrong, consequences are more than important. but really? to constantly think about the ifs and buts of life ALL THE TIME just drag you down. trust me. thats not living, thats called waiting.

i don't know what you expect me to say. and for once, i don't care if i'm saying the predictable thing.
putting myself second comes naturally to me. im not proud of it, but its who i am.
this time though, i just can't do it.
i don't have the energy to be that strong. to pretend that well.
and i hope you don't expect me to apologise, because im not going to.