show me grief.

I dream of you,
Gone from me
I’m lost in white, you lost in darkness
I can’t reach you
Slipping away, I can only feel the emptiness
Of you not here.

I don’t need to see
Your soul has already faded
A world created, without you
How can I breathe this air?
When the beauty of your being
Every word you wrote
Word you spoke
Means nothing anymore
You were never here.

I sink to my knees
Hold my head in my hands
Curl up tight, throat locked
I don’t want to breathe if you can’t
I hardly know I’m shaking
Can’t hear a thing
I will never hear your voice again
Your laughter
Calling me across a field
I don’t a world void of the sound of you.

The tears are last to come
Barely noticed
A wretched gasp
Face forever stained with
The wet black of grief
Rid me of this body
Of futile mortality
The stench of skin makes me sick.

I don’t want life,
There is beauty in nothing
Without you to show me
To pour colour and hope
Music and language
Wit and charm
Gushing light
Over everything you touch.

Can’t you see?
You told me the love
That flowed between us was
More than any romance
A friendship, thicker than blood
Need is too fickle a word
I don’t want my heart to beat
Without you.

I cling to air
And fall through it
Gone from me.
As Life itself.

decaying inside.

What are you supposed to say?
In the face of death, your first encounter.
When, smiling, she looks straight at you; talking, walking, shaking your hand. How can it be so casual?
When, dying, she’s trying not to falter;
Waiting, praying, decaying inside.
Leaving everyone behind, because her body can’t fight anymore.
So many questions, so many reasons to live! But nowhere to hide, too little time to say all these things, those foreign, thoughtless words hanging on my lips. The air won’t form, I can’t speak, I’m too afraid that my foolish murmurs will knock her cold, or perhaps she might laugh because she’s not dying at all. Not really.
But she is.
I cry, because I’m the one that’s slipping on the smooth wet floor of a reality that wipes you off your feet, and she’s still standing, still smiling, til her very last breath. She’s so strong, and even that is not enough.
And to think, that could be the last time I ever see her.

wandering eyes.

And the toxic melancholy of soft white keys
White on black, to the past and back
Draw the darkness closer, a cloak
To disguise my desires in dreams
Without judgement or thought
I may dwell on your face
For that one last time

Final indulgence with every passing note
Loving you would be so easy
Effortless, as you glide your hands over
Ivory valley, ebony peak
Curling shadows cascading
As you lean in, head down, absorbed
Each melodic twist and turn
Formed by icy hands, a cool touch
Yours to claim, and claim you will
For the world won’t stop you

Those soft, white keys to your mind,
Too clever, those eyes
Too beautiful, a deep emerald green
Like wading in waist-high grass
Swaying in the breeze
To the harmony of your secret heart

I could lose myself, immerse myself
Holding this rope seems suicidal,
For how can I stand here and and gaze from afar
When jumping would raise me only closer to the sky
That split second is all I ask for

When she looks up from her trance
And her gaze rests on mine, fleeting -
And she fades away, in morning light
Dark cloak retreating
I’m left, soul beating
For those eyes I barely glimpsed
Green fields, aflame with yearning
No, this woman, this girl is just a dream
Stirred by this toxic melancholy
Of soft, white keys
In the youthful, lonely morning hours.

owned.

I tear the keys
From one set of hands to another
Willingly, these shackles never leave me
I am never my own,
Just the property of control,
Influence, manipulation
And you.

accidental.

they hide and cower
under casual disguise
obscured from view

but naked, they stand
red, raised, defiant
against unbuckling skin

stupidity bought me
imprisonment, distrust
if only i’d remembered
to keep my clothes on.

 

coin flip.

You rest on the tip of his thumb
That tinge of green
Tainting his skin; the effects of
The night before from
Your copper coat wasting
New dawn, new day,
Heads, you’re fine
Tails, insane

He hesitates,
This time, the luck of the fall
Won’t just affect the fickle few
The weak one wakes, smiles,
Unaware that she still lingers
On the edge of a peaceful
Window ledge, leaning over
She can see you
But you’re still rotating
In the unforgiving air
Heads, you’re okay
Tails, unfair

Wincing, as you slam
Onto pavement from
His outstretched hand
You spin, the voices waiting
Endless, maybe
Then you slow
That final shudder
Before collapse
Heads, you’re sorted
Tails, sacked

And the monarch bows
Strained beneath the weight
Of another day failing
To make the darkness cease
In your eyes, she sees it coming
Hears you breathing,
Knows her fate
Heads, if only
Tails, too late.

cardiac abuse.

Why, do you have to keep beating
With all the secrets,
All those names, engraved
Surely there’s no space left
Am I worth it?
This effort, thud after thud after
Pumping all this blood
Do you have nothing left to say?

Just stop, goddamn it!
I shouldn’t have to put you
Through this every day
You’re better off dead, cold
Slammed on a table, or
Moving within another’s
Empty chest, a craving cavity

I take you for granted,
And I’m sorry, leave me be
Then I’d realise, I’m wasted
I can do nothing, be nothing
I’m not worth the beat.