stuck in my throat.

Nights are the worst.

Hopelessness, so hard to swallow
Despite the alcohol I force down to help
It gets stuck in my throat, it won't leave.

I'd like to say it is has nothing to do with you
But it does.

This isn't meant to be poetry
I can't make this sound right
It is brittle, it grates on my skin
Just as my nails do
When I can't bear to look at myself anymore.

You think I'm a cold, heartless bitch
Maybe you're right,
But not for the reasons you think
Because being apart from you is killing me
Sucking the life from me
I am in so much fucking pain, because
I let you down, and I promised I wouldn't.

Maybe you'll never understand why I did it
You think what you like,
Because each stab in the chest when I remember what I did
I deserve.

But this pain isn't new, it's a friend
Coming back again and again
Since those months when I promised I'd change for you
Stop hurting you
Be enough for you
Only, the pain didn't last this long
Because I could run back into your arms and you'd take me
Now there's nothing left.

I threw myself away, and there's darkness.

I am voiceless.

Spineless.

Worthless.

I can't go back now, won't go back now.
It's all for you, don't you see,
I will always have your best interests at heart

And I know, because of that
I'll never be loved, like you loved me, again.