re-lacing.

writing.

it used to be carved into my soul.
i thought about it, with every waking
moment.
i would think in verse,
talk in metaphors.
whilst my hand guided the pen
i would see the words as an abundance
of untouched, damp sand
and i would sculpt it,
mould it,
shape it,
into something i could understand.
my small masterpiece.

now,
my confidence in
what i create
has gone.

now,
nothing makes sense.
feelings buried under
debris and doubt.
words don't come naturally
anymore.

the pressure ensnared me
i am stuck.

so forgive me, if it takes a while
for my libido for language
to return,
summon my strength
to re-lace the bonds,
so personal, the link between
oneself, and the written word.

i'll try my best.
bear with me.

cliff edge.

For I wonder how long
You will push me away
Til the force makes me stumble
Til I'll no longer stay
I’ll fall off the edge, out of your life
And I’ll keep on falling
I’m dreading that day.

these generations.

You can see the PVA trail
Stretched from eye to screen
Pupils glued to flickering light
They deny, but just the same
They’re still a consumer generation
Whilst the true victims
Lie upstairs, comatosed
Exhausted from the days exertions
Tears roll from life’s emotions
Struggling under expectations
How are they meant to lead a nation
When they’re told they must be
Thinner, faster,
Smarter, masters
Of this future
Of rapid expansion
Of chemical warfare
Of computer advances
Of rising chances
They wait in darkness
Ear drums ringing
For their next turns
In anticipation
To rule this broken world

don't worry.

The sensation of worry
But an itch in my mind
I ignore, it becomes more
Relevant with each passing second
I claw, and scratch, and
My body is too soon inflamed
With rising panic
My existence, nothing else
But this burrowing thought
Digging deeper through my skull
Til its etched on the insides
Of my eyelids, can barely see
But for bloody indentations
Scrawled in my skin
And I can’t breathe.

fools again.

you’re a fool if you think I don’t check
if you think I don’t notice
if you think I’ve given up on you

but how does a fool
who’s not a fool
face confrontation
face you
when I’m scared
you’ll rip me to shreds
call me a hypocrite
staring from a throne
you think gold
but I know its broken
how its supposed to be

I’m beneath you
I’m here to help
although those words don’t
support me like they used to
like they did you

I still want it too
metallic, crimson, raging
but I’m stronger, or should I say
weaker, too weak to rely on me
I always knew that
but you can have it all

how to show my door is open
His door is open
palms outstretched
just don’t come running,
blade in hand
else, should I dare say it
I’m terrified
you’ll drag me back
to our ways.

lost and found.

If you don’t return this tomorrow,
You’re going to lie here for another night
Feeling stupid
Falling faster
Each breath, another nudge
Into that deep abyss
Of an unrequited love affair
You know all too well.

So return it, you fool
You’re aware of how it ends
Your friendship in pieces
Each memory, now indecent
Don’t you even think to leave it

Forget that scent that draws you closer,
Lingering in hood and sleeve
You breath her in, you see her standing
Those eyes, those curls-

Shut up, she’s not there
And neither are you; you’re returning it
Straight away
Before the gravity of chemical attraction
Propels you forwards
And you’re lost again.

Stuck with hidden infatuation.
Maybe, I’ll keep it, just one more night.

precipitation.

If I just lie here, for a moment
Maybe I can convince myself
I’m outside, in the rain
My heart pounding with
The relentless stream of
Heaven’s tears
Eroding the doors of
My mind away, numbing the pain
As I submerge in constant sound
My guilt carried in the flow,
Ghosts appear before my eyes
As breath escapes me
Warmth evades me
But the truth is plastered
On my blushing skin
It won’t wash, like my
Reusable cut-out face
Expressions, half price
Three for two, guaranteed
To last a lifetime
The patter fades
I’m dry again, honesty
Smoothed out, such as the creases
Of a pool’s surface
On a still summer night
Like they were never there
Existence never questioned
Silences, ensues
The rain, stops
And I am lying here again, waiting.

tactless.

One of those days
When the things you say
Get you nowhere
People can’t bear
The well-meant cliches
‘Could be worse’ cliches
Don’t want your charms
No matter how, you can’t
Do anything right
They want you out of sight
Out of his/her mind
You’re not so kind
Though you don’t mean to be
Not intentionally
You’re best sat silent
Quiet for a while, and
Nothing said at all
Stupid and small
Wrong words, wrong time
At least they rhyme
Sort of.

show me grief.

I dream of you,
Gone from me
I’m lost in white, you lost in darkness
I can’t reach you
Slipping away, I can only feel the emptiness
Of you not here.

I don’t need to see
Your soul has already faded
A world created, without you
How can I breathe this air?
When the beauty of your being
Every word you wrote
Word you spoke
Means nothing anymore
You were never here.

I sink to my knees
Hold my head in my hands
Curl up tight, throat locked
I don’t want to breathe if you can’t
I hardly know I’m shaking
Can’t hear a thing
I will never hear your voice again
Your laughter
Calling me across a field
I don’t a world void of the sound of you.

The tears are last to come
Barely noticed
A wretched gasp
Face forever stained with
The wet black of grief
Rid me of this body
Of futile mortality
The stench of skin makes me sick.

I don’t want life,
There is beauty in nothing
Without you to show me
To pour colour and hope
Music and language
Wit and charm
Gushing light
Over everything you touch.

Can’t you see?
You told me the love
That flowed between us was
More than any romance
A friendship, thicker than blood
Need is too fickle a word
I don’t want my heart to beat
Without you.

I cling to air
And fall through it
Gone from me.
As Life itself.

decaying inside.

What are you supposed to say?
In the face of death, your first encounter.
When, smiling, she looks straight at you; talking, walking, shaking your hand. How can it be so casual?
When, dying, she’s trying not to falter;
Waiting, praying, decaying inside.
Leaving everyone behind, because her body can’t fight anymore.
So many questions, so many reasons to live! But nowhere to hide, too little time to say all these things, those foreign, thoughtless words hanging on my lips. The air won’t form, I can’t speak, I’m too afraid that my foolish murmurs will knock her cold, or perhaps she might laugh because she’s not dying at all. Not really.
But she is.
I cry, because I’m the one that’s slipping on the smooth wet floor of a reality that wipes you off your feet, and she’s still standing, still smiling, til her very last breath. She’s so strong, and even that is not enough.
And to think, that could be the last time I ever see her.

wandering eyes.

And the toxic melancholy of soft white keys
White on black, to the past and back
Draw the darkness closer, a cloak
To disguise my desires in dreams
Without judgement or thought
I may dwell on your face
For that one last time

Final indulgence with every passing note
Loving you would be so easy
Effortless, as you glide your hands over
Ivory valley, ebony peak
Curling shadows cascading
As you lean in, head down, absorbed
Each melodic twist and turn
Formed by icy hands, a cool touch
Yours to claim, and claim you will
For the world won’t stop you

Those soft, white keys to your mind,
Too clever, those eyes
Too beautiful, a deep emerald green
Like wading in waist-high grass
Swaying in the breeze
To the harmony of your secret heart

I could lose myself, immerse myself
Holding this rope seems suicidal,
For how can I stand here and and gaze from afar
When jumping would raise me only closer to the sky
That split second is all I ask for

When she looks up from her trance
And her gaze rests on mine, fleeting -
And she fades away, in morning light
Dark cloak retreating
I’m left, soul beating
For those eyes I barely glimpsed
Green fields, aflame with yearning
No, this woman, this girl is just a dream
Stirred by this toxic melancholy
Of soft, white keys
In the youthful, lonely morning hours.

owned.

I tear the keys
From one set of hands to another
Willingly, these shackles never leave me
I am never my own,
Just the property of control,
Influence, manipulation
And you.

accidental.

they hide and cower
under casual disguise
obscured from view

but naked, they stand
red, raised, defiant
against unbuckling skin

stupidity bought me
imprisonment, distrust
if only i’d remembered
to keep my clothes on.

 

coin flip.

You rest on the tip of his thumb
That tinge of green
Tainting his skin; the effects of
The night before from
Your copper coat wasting
New dawn, new day,
Heads, you’re fine
Tails, insane

He hesitates,
This time, the luck of the fall
Won’t just affect the fickle few
The weak one wakes, smiles,
Unaware that she still lingers
On the edge of a peaceful
Window ledge, leaning over
She can see you
But you’re still rotating
In the unforgiving air
Heads, you’re okay
Tails, unfair

Wincing, as you slam
Onto pavement from
His outstretched hand
You spin, the voices waiting
Endless, maybe
Then you slow
That final shudder
Before collapse
Heads, you’re sorted
Tails, sacked

And the monarch bows
Strained beneath the weight
Of another day failing
To make the darkness cease
In your eyes, she sees it coming
Hears you breathing,
Knows her fate
Heads, if only
Tails, too late.

cardiac abuse.

Why, do you have to keep beating
With all the secrets,
All those names, engraved
Surely there’s no space left
Am I worth it?
This effort, thud after thud after
Pumping all this blood
Do you have nothing left to say?

Just stop, goddamn it!
I shouldn’t have to put you
Through this every day
You’re better off dead, cold
Slammed on a table, or
Moving within another’s
Empty chest, a craving cavity

I take you for granted,
And I’m sorry, leave me be
Then I’d realise, I’m wasted
I can do nothing, be nothing
I’m not worth the beat.