blue, black, fading.

Bruised,

Like last week's beating

Starting to fade

Yet a blue, black outline

Lingers on pale skin

I can feel your hands

Gripping my heart

I want it back

Or do I

Some days I try, I pull

See myself tearing it away from you

Other days, it stays 

Locked in your grasp

And I watch it beating there

Content to have you hold it

Like you have 

For such a long time

One day

You're going to throw it back at me

You'll disgust yourself with the thought

That you ever touched it

And I'm waiting, right here

To catch it

And drop it

And lose it

It feels like its already fading

Just a mark on pale skin

Blue, black, fading

Not the beating, life-sustaining

Centre of warmth that it should be

I'll stare out of that window

Landscape passing in a blur

And it'll no longer rush

At the though of seeing you

It'll no longer pound in anticipation

Or break, at that distance

Growing between us again

No, it will see nothing

But bleak endless nothing

Slipping into grey

And I won't feel anything

Just, empty

And an ache

That fucking ache

It feels sometimes like

That's all I'll ever have

The one constant,

Accompanied by the whispers

On the edges of my mind 

Gaps in my sanity,

An empty void in my chest

And it'll all be gone

Blue, then black, fading

Soon enough.

last, night.

Driving

So fast,

Lights a blur

Music thumping

Green light, green light

Car shaking

I'm shaking

But I'm calm

And it occurs to me

A flick of my wrist, and-

Finished.

Just like that.

I can see it, in my head

Slow motion

Silence

A lurch forwards and then

And then darkness.

That'd be it.

No more panic

No more bile

No more bleeding

No more thoughts

No more guilt

No more pain

No more.

I came so close.

Closer than I thought I would.

Don't leave me.

what do i do when the world is empty

dream, struggling.

Coarse,

It grates against 

The bruised skin on my neck

Blinded,

I see nothing

Feel my breath 

Clouding around my face

Trapped, inside this

Dusty, sweaty sack

Blood roaring in my ears

A force slams into my back

The floor beneath my feet, gone -

And I fall

Air snatched away

A vice clamped around my throat

The rope cuts, and closes

Sack, suffocates, and

I struggle

And struggle

And struggle

Legs flailing,

Wrists bound, fists clenching

And I struggle, still

Threatening to cave

Under immense deprivation

And yet, I linger 

Only seeing darkness

Paralysed between

And I struggle

It won't end

Constantly, dying

I wake, 

My own hands clasped

At my neck

Thumbs pressed inwards

And I wonder,

Why must I always be asleep

Unaware, no control

Not enough motivation

To just, press

And hold

And hold

And fall.

stuck in my throat.

Nights are the worst.

Hopelessness, so hard to swallow
Despite the alcohol I force down to help
It gets stuck in my throat, it won't leave.

I'd like to say it is has nothing to do with you
But it does.

This isn't meant to be poetry
I can't make this sound right
It is brittle, it grates on my skin
Just as my nails do
When I can't bear to look at myself anymore.

You think I'm a cold, heartless bitch
Maybe you're right,
But not for the reasons you think
Because being apart from you is killing me
Sucking the life from me
I am in so much fucking pain, because
I let you down, and I promised I wouldn't.

Maybe you'll never understand why I did it
You think what you like,
Because each stab in the chest when I remember what I did
I deserve.

But this pain isn't new, it's a friend
Coming back again and again
Since those months when I promised I'd change for you
Stop hurting you
Be enough for you
Only, the pain didn't last this long
Because I could run back into your arms and you'd take me
Now there's nothing left.

I threw myself away, and there's darkness.

I am voiceless.

Spineless.

Worthless.

I can't go back now, won't go back now.
It's all for you, don't you see,
I will always have your best interests at heart

And I know, because of that
I'll never be loved, like you loved me, again.