shattered glass.

i cried. for the first time that i can remember, i cried.
i cried my fucking heart out.
bleeding emotion, until completely void of feelings and senses failed me. the immense pain in my chest was too much, and i couldn't control it anymore. it had taken me hours to discover that the fear of falling was greater than the fear of hitting the bottom.

i didn't expect it to hurt that much. it didn't make me feel better afterwards like she said it would. i came so close to allowing real blood to entwine with tears, it felt like the blade was already slicing through skin before i'd picked the handle up. i can still feel it now. but once again, like many times before, she stopped me. for a moment, i hated her for her power over me. i wanted her to let go, needed her to let me feel something. a sick desire to accomplish something on my own, without influence from other people. people who know nothing.

do you know how scary it is? how afraid i was? completely alone in the dim evening light, clutching at my hood; shaking, blind and unable to breathe. i wasn't expecting that either.

i find it ironic that i was saved by a man. he only called me for a chat - i didn't prompt him. and i didn't tell him about the state i was in. pretending is second nature. who needs to know? its not like im the only one. maybe he'll never know how much i owe him. just one thankyou when he had to go; i didn't explain why and he never asked. i think he knew not to, and that is a gift in itself.

the pain is still there. the lock has been broken, the frosted glass wall shattered to pieces before me. once they start, they won't stop. i find it strange that the key to lock was merely putting myself in someone else's circumstances. empathy. finally, i understood something. i cried for her, and i cried for me.