from the inside, out.

I'm not sure I know how to do this anymore

I think, I've pushed it down far enough

That now, even when I lie still

Blank space before me

I snatch at words, but I can't grasp them

I lose sight of meaning

Realising, maybe, that it was never there

Feelings are numbed

A leper; parts of me thrown aside

Infected, discarded

I don't know what's left

Too scared to look down

Fleeting moments of bright light

And piercing clarity, and then -

Your voices have crept up behind me

I am lost again

How can one form a sentence

Speak, and be heard

Think, dream, believe in anything

When they're fading

Ceasing to be

From the inside, out

How can one offer anything of themselves

When there's simply nothing left to give

Suppressed to the point of suffocation

Although, I guess

It was all worthless anyway

I need someone to reach under

Pull me out of this place

But even if I could make a noise

Piece a phrase together 

No one should hear me

It is easier to linger here

And save them the trouble

Or avoid the risk of 

Pulling them down with me

It is dark and quiet here

And I am waiting 

And I am nothing

 

dislocation.

I used to feel them both moving,

Creaking, caps of bone

Edging closer towards 

- pain, blinding pain 

One slip, a fatal twist and - 

It's surprising how much agony

A dislocated piece of you 

Can cause, that scream-inducing

Roaring flash of red 

Followed swiftly by tidal wave

Of sickly nausea, as you sense

Something

   Not quite in th

     e right place 

Your body becomes 

A ticking clock, but the hands 

Are bent inwards, scratching

The polished surface 

As they travel round 

Screeching against resistance

Slowed, and time shifts

Out of sync with the world

And so you cease to function

As you should - who are you?

A flawed human being, therefore -

More human than the rest? 

But the pain, endurable 

The dislodged lump of cartlige

Slowly slides back into place

No, there comes more 

The worst, the very worst

The very thought that this 

Is going to repeat 

Your tendons, stretched elastic

Useless against the fall

Faith in the limbs that held you

Gone, shattered -

Irreparable?

As he reached in,

Pulled me apart

With handfuls of muscle and

Bloody sinew, he tied me

Back together, functioning,

Flawless scars present 

A surgical shoelace, glued

With sharp metal screws

Back on your feet, 

There you go

And now I build 

Claw back that trust again 

Held together, yet still

My trust wavers 

Bones assembled like a 

Jenga tower in bags of skin 

I am uncertain 

Body, mind and soul resting

On those futile caps of 

Calcium, crumbling 

Waiting for that fatal slip - 

the painters are in.

Blood comes

Red splashed on white

A surprise once,

I never expected 

The unexpected again

But here it is, red

Thick, heavy

Unflinching, red

I stare

A week late, I figured

It might never come

Hoped, it might have realised 

It wasn't supposed to be 

Always an abstract,

No meaning, of little consequence

Besides a little 

Inconvenience 

Now, unlike that regular beat

Usually maintained, undisturbed

My heart sinks

Here it is

Unflinching, red

Red splashed on white

Resisting the inevitable is

Futile, but I can't help thinking,

Sooner than most

Maybe it'll move on

Decide that it's good for

Nothing here, in this body

That doesn't belong

A crimson smudge of

Womanhood, motherhood

Rites of passages that 

I no longer claim

Take it, take it, please

It brings, not a routine comfort

A smear of identity, no,

A sticky, hot reminder

Of who I no longer am

A place I can't return to

A void I have yet to fill

I am stained with 

Indignity, falsity 

And there's nothing I can do

But wait 

As the blood runs, red

Until it runs dry

And I can put the pieces

Back together again.

rage.

My blood is boiling

I'm dragging nails against

Dry, broken skin just to avoid

Screaming and screaming and

Wishing I could somehow just

Let

This

Out

But that would be too easy.

Suppress it,

Push it down, down

Drown them out

Find my voice again

My voice 

Mine

I don't know where it is

What it sounds like

Just constant shouting

All I hear is

You're a disgrace,

They all know it

They all see it

Louder, louder

Mounting rage

Shaking shaking

NO

Push it down

Smile, for fucks sake

Smile and breathe

Up and down 

Up and down

Every day

Rising, falling

Rib cage expanding

Air out, emotions in

Deep and buried

Push them down

Right down

Where I can't see them

Can no longer hear them

Just for a bit

For a second

Let me rest

Let me breathe

Red, hot rage, when I open my eyes

When they fall, closed again

Exhausted in the early hours

Forcing its way up my throat 

Like sticky, swelling bile

Where else can it go

I want to let it out but

I can't bear the pain

Of being torn to pieces again.

approval.

You know what annoys me?

The fact that I spent
                                    weeks
                                    months
                                    years

trying to gain the approval
of your family,
smiling at jokes that weren't funny
obeying their rules
complying with their customs
filling in the 'best friend' slot
as adequately as I could
even though it hurt me so much
i had to bury my love for you
reserve it for those few moments
when we were truly alone
whisper sweet nothings into your ear
not just at night -
all fucking day
'shush, they'll hear you'

and now,
he just waltzes in, of course
striding into your life
into that place in your heart
that once belonged to me
and they bow to him
because he is right,
because he fits

not because he is a good person
(despite the fact he is)
but because he is a man.

i was your dirty little secret
and he's the badge you wear
with happiness and pride
the man on your arm
they love him to pieces

i don't begrudge him that
he's wonderful, he'll make you happy
loved, so he should be

but it feels like
a drop-kick in the chest
knowing that they love him
and see in all that splendour
how good he is for you
when, despite all my best efforts
they never got to see how good I was
or love me that much
in that way
for making you my world
i was never accepted
and after so little time
he's a keeper without trial.

mutations.

You've changed,

Both of you.

Mutations.

Sinister, you slide into

Conversations, every day

Situations, alive

You're fighting to be conscious

To be heard.

She can always hear you,

Louder louder louder

Sly and quick,

Snatching that last word

One, grows deeper

Groaning, crunching gravel

Bone is wearing away

You will be free

You won't be tamed

You will violate

Dark stubble grates

The other, ceaseless

A spring in your step

You aggravate

Wind her up and up

Then, snap

Elastic torn, springs back

Steady face of trust

Humiliated

Efforts, wasted

Bridges torched in haste

And your wicked grin

Coarse tones, scratching whispers

Dirty fingernails

Picking, picking

At her skin,

That frail border between

Mind and matter

Madness, love

Twisting boundaries out of shape

She can't make sense of things

The familiar, lost

Subdued under brittle voices

No longer company

You've slipped into a minor key

And the melody is fading

Certainty, fading

Sanity, fading

She's gone.

leelah alcorn.

suits and ties
how time flies
my mother cries.

self-presentation
essential, for
self-preservation
how do I stress
the absolute importance
of both, in this world

that demands normality
and conformity of us
when, these children inside
are screaming just to
be themselves

blue shirts, dresses in pink
blood stains a kitchen sink
generations on the brink

let us be who we are
we mean no harm
tell me, in what way
do our appearances
threaten the balance
of society's composure

shouldn't you be more concerned by
the choices we make
our character traits
our mental states
careful,
your fear is showing
too little, too late

for those, in their truest forms
trying to stand tall,
thrown to the floor
shunned and ignored
now, no more.

no more.

try and understand,
we all reside on a spectrum
a shining variety
striving for equality
a chorus of
'why can't you just accept me'
just listen.

let us be who we are
celebrate our beating hearts
before you drive us all to harm,
force our hearts to calm

keep discriminating difference
and there will be
no one
left.

black hole.

i am nothing
i cannot express it more simply than that
i am worth no time, no effort
nothing on your part

compliment, criticism,
they bounce, equally
like invalid cheques
for the account does not exist
i cannot accept either
for i am emptiness
i am vacancy
i am worthlessness
i am desolation

i am, even
that statement does not apply
these inhabited set of cells
useless, no function
they collide with lives
somewhere, guilt-ridden
no one deserves to be affected
by something of such little substance
i am sorry

sorry for my existence
the energy to care has left me
so why do i live anymore
why should i be substantial
what claim have i
to occupy space
to consume air

within this grey i reside
waiting, for absolution
for pardon
simply wasteful
of God's good earth
and infinite love
i deserve neither
for how can a vacuum
be deserving of any right

release me soon, i beg you
before this nothingness
begins to collapse
fold into itself
and drag others down
with it
let me go
let me fade
allow the empty
to cease existing

a flicker of sanity left
one hope
don't let me suck the life
from anyone else
let this end
please.

too much.

Can’t breathe 
Can’t think 
Too close


Too deep
 Trapped in sheets 
So weak

So weak 
Memories bleak
 They won’t Leave
 Need to scream 
Can’t scream


Its killing me
 Too much for me


Too much for me

compliments.

I'm so confused
and frustrated
I'm just being nice
I'm being a decent human being
giving you a compliment or two
showing you that
I always see the best in you

but no, it's too far
too many connotations
it's flirting
definitely flirting
she wants more
you want more
she wants you
what the fuck do you want
make your mind up
sort your life out
don't lead her astray
to places she'll regret
you'll regret
just stop
calm down
lay off
you're dragging her in
stop it
stop it now
you're hurting her
just leave.

just a compliment
i swear,
not charming,
not flirting,
not sweet-talking
i'm just
being
fucking
nice
why isn't that
okay these days

why do we live
in such a shattered
broken glass society
we're all terrified
of cutting ourselves
snagging flesh
on the judgments of others
so afraid,
that a compliment
a gentle word
something that, somehow
draws a smile
suddenly that's too much
it means such a lot
and we magnify
and marinate
and swill it
round and round
until it expands with pressure

just accept it for what it was.
can't i just be nice anymore?

empty shell.

Do you ever just feel like
The weight, of everything,
Is crushing you
Right in front of people
As you walk, sit, talk
There's a darkness
Trying to stamp you out
Out of existence
Wrench you from this world
Drag you under
Until there's nothing left of you
Just an empty shell
And still, you'd keep on
Walking, sitting, talking
And no-one would know
No-one would know.

I am nothing without you 

A fucking waste of space

Why am I alive

I want it all to stop

blue, black, fading.

Bruised,

Like last week's beating

Starting to fade

Yet a blue, black outline

Lingers on pale skin

I can feel your hands

Gripping my heart

I want it back

Or do I

Some days I try, I pull

See myself tearing it away from you

Other days, it stays 

Locked in your grasp

And I watch it beating there

Content to have you hold it

Like you have 

For such a long time

One day

You're going to throw it back at me

You'll disgust yourself with the thought

That you ever touched it

And I'm waiting, right here

To catch it

And drop it

And lose it

It feels like its already fading

Just a mark on pale skin

Blue, black, fading

Not the beating, life-sustaining

Centre of warmth that it should be

I'll stare out of that window

Landscape passing in a blur

And it'll no longer rush

At the though of seeing you

It'll no longer pound in anticipation

Or break, at that distance

Growing between us again

No, it will see nothing

But bleak endless nothing

Slipping into grey

And I won't feel anything

Just, empty

And an ache

That fucking ache

It feels sometimes like

That's all I'll ever have

The one constant,

Accompanied by the whispers

On the edges of my mind 

Gaps in my sanity,

An empty void in my chest

And it'll all be gone

Blue, then black, fading

Soon enough.

last, night.

Driving

So fast,

Lights a blur

Music thumping

Green light, green light

Car shaking

I'm shaking

But I'm calm

And it occurs to me

A flick of my wrist, and-

Finished.

Just like that.

I can see it, in my head

Slow motion

Silence

A lurch forwards and then

And then darkness.

That'd be it.

No more panic

No more bile

No more bleeding

No more thoughts

No more guilt

No more pain

No more.

I came so close.

Closer than I thought I would.

Don't leave me.

what do i do when the world is empty

dream, struggling.

Coarse,

It grates against 

The bruised skin on my neck

Blinded,

I see nothing

Feel my breath 

Clouding around my face

Trapped, inside this

Dusty, sweaty sack

Blood roaring in my ears

A force slams into my back

The floor beneath my feet, gone -

And I fall

Air snatched away

A vice clamped around my throat

The rope cuts, and closes

Sack, suffocates, and

I struggle

And struggle

And struggle

Legs flailing,

Wrists bound, fists clenching

And I struggle, still

Threatening to cave

Under immense deprivation

And yet, I linger 

Only seeing darkness

Paralysed between

And I struggle

It won't end

Constantly, dying

I wake, 

My own hands clasped

At my neck

Thumbs pressed inwards

And I wonder,

Why must I always be asleep

Unaware, no control

Not enough motivation

To just, press

And hold

And hold

And fall.

stuck in my throat.

Nights are the worst.

Hopelessness, so hard to swallow
Despite the alcohol I force down to help
It gets stuck in my throat, it won't leave.

I'd like to say it is has nothing to do with you
But it does.

This isn't meant to be poetry
I can't make this sound right
It is brittle, it grates on my skin
Just as my nails do
When I can't bear to look at myself anymore.

You think I'm a cold, heartless bitch
Maybe you're right,
But not for the reasons you think
Because being apart from you is killing me
Sucking the life from me
I am in so much fucking pain, because
I let you down, and I promised I wouldn't.

Maybe you'll never understand why I did it
You think what you like,
Because each stab in the chest when I remember what I did
I deserve.

But this pain isn't new, it's a friend
Coming back again and again
Since those months when I promised I'd change for you
Stop hurting you
Be enough for you
Only, the pain didn't last this long
Because I could run back into your arms and you'd take me
Now there's nothing left.

I threw myself away, and there's darkness.

I am voiceless.

Spineless.

Worthless.

I can't go back now, won't go back now.
It's all for you, don't you see,
I will always have your best interests at heart

And I know, because of that
I'll never be loved, like you loved me, again.

puppet.

A puppet on strings
Limbs, handled by
Your manipulating fingers

Now the strings have been cut
And I'm lying on the floor
Lifeless, with no idea

How to walk again
How to think, act, feel
Because a puppet is nothing

Without it's master to guide it
I was a fool to think
That I was anything else

A piece of stuffed cloth
A painted face, no heartbeat
Lead in my chest

And I let you hold my strings
Pull them this way, that way
I have only myself to blame,

Only me
I am a puppet without strings
And I am pathetic.

stolen slumber.

Why is my mind still

Tick tick ticking

Chewing on these guilt pills

Scratching til my skin bleeds

Trying not to see,

See that shadow in the corner

A plague in my head

Or is it?

Staring at this screen

All night if I have to

Avoiding all that dark space

Yet sleep will keep evading me

Eyes won't rest a second now,

This rhythm needs to stop

Before it builds into a hurricane

Of weeping, shaking, sad again

Not that again.

Leave me, please.

Let me ease into

A dreamless slumber,

No screaming, faded pictures

Twisted faces, scary places

Just, sleep. Peace.

Come back to me.

panic.

There's a rope around my chest

Tied, like a noose

And they are pulling it

Tighter, tighter, tighter

Each breath torn from lungs

The air sucked away

Quicker, quicker

As the pit of my stomach falls away

Tighter, tighter,

Pain building

Bile forced up my throat

Quicker, quicker

Head pounding, heart aching

Limbs failing

Tighter,

Vision fading

Quicker,

Tight,

Quick,

Black.