i know nothing.

I know nothing of war,

I know nothing of pain,

I know nothing of starvation,

Of disease, of abuse

Torture, suffering

Mental illness

Neglect, poverty, exploitation

I don't even know anything of death.

So why do I hurt so much? I have no right.

How can I believe in God, in hope, in kindness, when that's all I've ever known, when I've never known the dark side?

Does my innocence, my privilege, make me weak? Weaker than most. Too weak, so that I buckle, and give in at every chance.

Do I deserve to help people, when I've never had to help myself? How can I tell anyone that it's going to be okay, when its not.

Every inch of my being screams,

Spineless. Senseless. Hopeless. Worthless. 

Less.

I know nothing.

I wish I had the courage

To get in the car

Buy the cheapest pack of cigarettes 

And a bottle of Koppaberg cider

From the corner shop

Drive up to the woods

And sit in the darkness

Feel the rain on my skin

The only light, the faint glow

Of streetlights reflected 

Upon the night sky, and the flame 

Of a lighter, a cigarette end

Crushed into the forest floor

And close my eyes, 

Listen to the wind, feel the cold 

Through to my very bones

So I have no choice 

But to listen to my thoughts

No distractions, mind made clearer

With each passing gulp, swallow

No choice but to face

The pathetic excuse I am

And be free of it, 

For a few minutes, 

Walk away from myself

Let, me, fade away 

Like I never existed 

Like the mistakes I made

Never happened

Because I wasn't here to make them

Instead I just lie here again

Gathering dust

Paralysed by those mistakes I made

Because I made them

And there's nothing I can do to change them,

To change me.

needed.

what is this desire to be needed
it sucks me dry
consumes all my energy
to be there, all the time,
to be better than anyone else
at being there
because in my head its the only thing i'm good at

your trust is the one thing
i will treasure above all else
love takes a while to
sink in
but trust, now that's a gift
but when i fail you
as i often do
and a piece of that trust falls away
i fall away
guilt implodes inside and i am thrown
into nothingness
my purpose has gone
i'm not worth the air i inhale anymore

a mental illness, i sometimes think
this cloying paranoia
constantly needing
to be needed
to be that one person
you can rely on, always

but i just need it to stop for a moment

it hurts too much

its killing me
and its no-one's fault but mine

it doesn't make any sense
i know i'll never be first
and that's okay
but just give me a minute
i'm going round in circles

that pain is gaining round again
pushing through the queue
before all the people
that need me
someone stop it, please

these thoughts are trapped
i can't breathe
that air i don't deserve has truly disappeared
and so have my loved ones
and my purpose along with it

this desire to be needed
a disease, that paralyses
i'm a puppet on a string
that's all i am.

Sleep, please come and rescue me

And guide me into dreaming

Before I lose me way again

The darkness lied

I'm screaming

water's edge.

so this is what happens when she's left alone
she stands under cascading self-reflections
and has no choice but write them away
clinging to her skin, she brushes them off
streams of water falling, she must set them free
else the voices will start ringing
and the words will start scribbling themselves
into her warm, weak, co-dependent arms
come hold me, someone
no soldier, just a victim
a shower of truth and secrets,
waiting for sweet release from this
heavy, gentle, never-ending rainfall
head first, can't be sure
confessional font of water pure
words start sticking
voices drifting
so she tries to drown them
contain them within each drop
every tear that rolls past, down
her aching throat
the salt of conviction rushing through her veins
currents rising pacing
colliding into air
she can hear the voices fading
she can feel the words evading
her empty, choking mind
last thoughts, sinking,
that water, silk on gurgling lips,
purging rivers of mercy
and the rainfall let her be.

won't stop.

what am i doing here

- you don't know shit
- not really

i thought i did
i thought i knew something

- but you don't

i don't know anything
not really

- nope
- you're a defeatist

they say
just reading the signs, i say
they want me to

- jump hurdles
- mid-sprint,
- every one

but i just crash
into them
watch them
fall

- you might as well
have not even
started this race at all

good for nothing
can't stop whining

- shut up, Alice
- no-one wants to hear it

just got to keep running
only, i can't even do that
don't think they'd notice
if i stopped showing up

- just drop off the radar
- they won't wish you luck
- don't even bother trying

can't stop crying
i can't stop.

skipping chapters.

is it wrong
to wish your life away
eighteen and fuelled with
youth
energy
alcohol
excitement
each day a cacophony of
laughter, tears, yawning
screaming, rising
                         falling

and yet
i long, not for
rushes in the bloodstream
intoxication and
bassline highs
but

tranquility
the soft, monotony
of a secure adult life
a house with bay windows
four bedrooms, coloured walls
safety and happiness in one's lifelong dream
love, everlasting and
a God that walks with me, side by side
and not above me, not straining His back each morning
to lift me, put me back on my feet

weekend breaks and unconditional love
a warm bed, a clear head

born to be middle-aged,
its always been a bad habit of mine
skip a few chapters, to get to the end
but I'm not wishing it away just yet

get my mistakes out the way first
then we'll settle for the rest.

promise.

never make a promise

that's so hard to keep

you have to grit your teeth

clench your fists

and cry and cry

to not give in

your knees are buckling

your eyes, searching

for that familiar edge

that soaring high

but you can't keep thinking

it'll only make it worse

you'll be cutting her too

and that's something I will never do.

bedsheets.

I lie in your arms, one last time

Clinging to you

To every last second

That passes, too fast

Those threadbare, ridiculous

Resented tears fall

As you whisper love songs

Into my ear, telling me

I'm yours forever

These last few hours imprinted

Into my solitary bedsheets

Time slips away, 

My grasp, only tighter

Limbs entwined

Cradling me, safe and warm

Preparing to carry

A piece of your precious heart

With me, as you take mine

Slowly, back home

I'll see you soon, my love

Our passions last spoken

Through silent glass

And you stutter away, 

Into the night,

And you are gone 

Two lonely lovers

Cast out into an unknown,

Starless sky,

Our futures, waiting

Our souls, waiting

Til our lips meet, smiling

And I'm back in your arms 

Loving you again.

change.

there isn't a word
good enough
to describe my

d  i  s  a  p  p  e  a  r  i  n  g

d  i    s      o     n
                   i       t    d
          j                 e

disma     ntled

unhi
     n
     g
     e
     d

b l
    e
      e
        d
          i
           n
             g

brok  n
       e


soul

pleading to be pushed


                                 off



onto the floor, shattering, but at least
freezing in time, never changing

instead, propelling only   f  o    r      w      a          r              d               s

into places i can't see

let me know when the world stops turning
I'll be the first one
to sit down and          breathe.

equal footing.

girlish fantasies were never my thing
castles, dresses,
tiaras and curls
weddings, most of all
never chanced my youthful mind
a-whirl with dreams of independence,
and the heights a life
of solitude could obtain.

yet, the bill passed
motion carried
despite the jargon, wedded bliss
is that much clearer
for me, for us.

it would be a relatively small affair
but not amass with relatives
intimate, personal
with the friends who cared for us
supported us
they could wear what they liked
be themselves, as we could finally be
no restraints, no social exclusion or code
freedom, and respect, as we now deserved
a wedding of colour, personality, difference
celebrating a common cause
of equality

no gay rights marching band, though
a group of friends, I imagine,
musically talented, or not so much
as long as they were laughing
I wouldn't care, I wouldn't be listening much
eyes, ears, hands, feet, all irrevocably focused
on my new centre of being, the point
at which gravity pulled towards
to keep me rooted on earth
her body adorned in lace and white
mine, who knows
a suit, maybe
but I think I might quite like a dress
after all

two veiled brides
standing tall
atop an undercover chocolate cake
none of that fruity stuff
food and wine to keep us going through the night
an assortment of bridesmaids
gleaming and giggling
and best men, smart and dashing
why not have both?
nothing can stop us now

and a compromise, my love
not in a church, but on a beach
or in a valley, or a forest
littered with falling leaves
because God will always be more present
in the waves, and the hills, and in the branches
of tall trees, ascending skywards
than in any bricks and mortar built
He'll smile, you see
and be with us, and
you'll smile, and I'll smile
matching rings glinting in the sunlight
hand in hand,
and we'll start something wonderful
beginning where we left off
from the precious day before
our lives together
on equal footing with the rest of the world

and that will make all the difference.

old news.

Before it was constant

Now it creeps up on me

Attacks when no-one's looking

No-one will believe me anymore

Even the tears have stopped caring

It's old news, dead and gone

But it's back this morning

Deep and wide and aching

Aching, so much

That throb of pain that

Condemns my thoughts 

To a few hours of straining, draining

Lying in cage of fear and guilt

So familiar, this heat in my heart, burning

As the cold seeps into my bones

It'll never leave, see

It knows me too well

It's burrowed away in my soul, for good

Keeping me in a state 

Of wary suspense, waiting

For the next time it will

Strike me, leave me, paralysed,

Crying out inside my head

Where no-one can hear me

And the One who can, just a little 

Too far away again 

To save me.

nature's seduction.

I talk, walk, eat, sit, sleep, give a damn
About where I'm going
And what I'm doing
I see people, hear people, know people
But still an enveloping, encroaching sense of
Loneliness, growing, each passing minute

It's not the same, without you here
My aim in life, no longer clear
I've even forgotten
What your voice sounds like
Nearly

Talking, walking, sitting, sleeping
Giving a damn, it seems so pointless
It carries on, what else to do
But lie and mope, waiting
Now that's just pathetic
I have a life, I am a life
I'll die for you, but I can't live for you
Sure seems like it though

We stood on a shore, not long ago
Watching the tide, swallow the beach
Returning back to, beneath shadowy waters
The moon, a conductor
Stirring an invisible baton
In time with a soundless, endless rhythm
Of wave upon wave

Nature's seduction, you said
The ocean luring its gritty counterparts
Under her blue-black surface
A mirror, for all the world to see
But below, a civilization brimming
With life, thought, and colour
That we can touch, but never know
Those sirens pulling us under, under
A trusting inducement

I trust you, willingly
As you pull me closer, deeper
I only hope I can breathe down here
Don't leave me drowning
Come back, my dear
I need someone
To swim towards
A direction
To be led towards
Come be my siren
Seduce me again

No, just come back, my darling,
And love me instead.

Have I really got to be worried 

About losing you?

Not now, please, not ever

I understand you're scared

I know you're hurting

But it isn't always like this

How can you forget about love

Precious, warm, trusting love

Look at the photos of the two of us

Being total idiots

Happy in eachother's company

At least I thought we were

Just like heaven, listen

Its even a Friday

Read the letters, both of them

How can you say that

You don't see the point in caring

All I want is you

I thought all you wanted was

Me

I'm not giving up on you

Until you can convince me

That you're better off without me

This isn't me boasting

You said so yourself

I want you back in my arms again

I'm hoping this is just

Another storm we're riding

We'll be okay in the morning

Won't we?

fat, bald, insecure

stupid, worthless, nothing more

candle, extinguished.

I feel like I don't know how to grieve.
There must be some kind of etiquette,
Some innate way to deal and cope with death.

A family friend. She was lovely.
How can my last memory of her
Really be the only one I'll ever have now?

How does the world continue
Without her presence, I mean
She was such a crucial part
Of so many lives
A husband, two sons, family.

What if she's forgotten?
She can't be, surely
What if people aren't told
And expect to see her tomorrow
Or she had a meeting with a friend
Next week, a coffee and catch-up
Now she'll never make it.

Life is so, thin, opaque
We'll certain it'll last
That we'll make a difference
Goodness knows what happens afterwards
But does it really matter that
We exist, at all?

Emptiness, as if
with her last breath she
blew out a candle
flickering in the dark.
The world will surely suffer
without another woman like her.

So many questions,
but no answers.
Must be why words
are never enough for these things.

I just want to feel it.
Is this it?
Grief must be like
talking under water
crying under water
there's no point,
but you're still drowning.

May she rest in peace,
not be forgotten
and live on in those
unmade dates and
unanswered phone calls
and the dignified, happy memories
chosen to be preserved.

onion man.

sometimes

I just want to feel that serrated edge
snag on the folds of my skin
it catches

the blade, like waves
gliding, slicing through
layer upon layer
pain surfacing
from some place deeper
burrowed in the decaying recesses
of that old forgotten wound

this is all I'm made of
layer upon layer
worry upon guilt
upon worthlessness
they all have the same
metallic, cloying smell
when they meet the cooling air
they like the view up there
but they never go

you'd think, which each strand of hair
falling, they'd go somewhere
but no, they clot, exit sealed
they burrow deeper still
and wait for that salted tide
to reach lidded shore again.

continuum.

eyes to the ground
to stop you from looking up
and facing the world

one tiny step at a time
it only takes a breath of wind
to knock you off course

what course, you hear them whisper
how you can be naive enough
to think you have a plan
you'll never have a plan
its just one step in front of another
not looking up

lost is not concept
to the perpetually blind
and fear, always lost
to the ones without a mind

keep it simple, never stop
you'll reach the end
when its time to jump
one foot, two foot
the journey stops



pushing forwards
always forwards
no rest for the wicked
or shelter for the good
best to keep your eyes down
life ticks on.

boston.

The world is dying
There is nothing we can do to heal it
There is nothing we can do to stop it
Hurtling towards the inevitable
Fuelled by corruption, despair and decay
We can only
Do what we can for others
Save ourselves
Protect our loved ones
And hold on tight
For there is One who heals things
But he's so far away.

Before, guilt for being me
Now, guilt for being free

absence.

Its at night, when I miss you the most
When I notice your absence
The lack of your touch, your smile
Your scent, your tight embrace
Please, next time, stay a while

I long for your presence
I crave the sight of
Just to see you lying by my side
Merely a silohuette in the dark
I crave the sound of
Just to hear your chest rising
With every deep breath of air
That rhythm of unconscious thought
I crave the touch of
Just to feel your flawless skin
Trace my finger along your neck
Weave my hands through your hair

What I wouldn't give
To pull you closer right now
Burrow into your warmth
And rest, safe, at peace
Our love almost tangible
In those dark, early hours

Alone without you.

strands.

i lie here
             night after night
and pull
            and pull
                        and pull
each, a strand
                      of stress
                                  severed
guilt, and
              worry, grow
                                 in its place
they bite
             they chew
                            they linger
let them fall
                  fall to the floor
its better
             than blood
                             after all.

grey.

encased in negative thoughts
they're tangible
they're everywhere

why can't people see, that
I'm really not who they think I am

can't think, can't write, can't speak
can't even dream, I have nothing
got it wrong again

what kind of good can i bring to this world
when all i can see is effortless colour surrounding
me, just a shade upon shade
of leaking grey

incompetence hurts
blood hurts more
i deserve both

i'm losing my mind
maybe that's a good thing
i'm wasting my time
really can't do anything

consequences.

there are always hidden consequences
for every mindless, lost intention

for the slightest glance, not gone unseen
for one too many custard creams

for watching seconds pass slowly by
for procrastination, the thief of time

for a single moment, ignorance, bliss

for the hesitant thought of that forbidden kiss


for one swift flick, or slash of the hand
for one drop of blood on that sinking sand


for one little white lie, black lie, green lie
for one quick refusal, no matter who tried

our actions, pills, before we drink
we swallow before the chance to think

from one dream to another.

Awakened from a dark night of sensual memories
Fragmented dreams, and a ball of jealous fur
I see your body shift in the dim haze of dawn
Head tilting, slowly
Until the shutters of your mind rise, and your sight
Meets mine, softly colliding
Settling in contentment as the news sinks in
You fell asleep in my arms, and I'm still here.

I lose myself in your eyes
- I'm dreaming again -
The beauty of your inner soul
Encapsulated in a deep, caramel brown
Your skin, so smooth, I trace my finger
Across your cheek in disbelief
That I'm lying within the warmth of
Your body heat, trapped beneath the sheets
Alongside you, this one glance as assuring
As if you'd wrapped your arms around me again
Tightly, like you'd never let me go,
As if I'd ever want you to.

Your lips, slightly pouted from the misfortune of
Full consciousness so early, yet always perfect
We touch, my lips to yours, light as the flakes of snow
That gently drift outside
You lift my hand and place it
At the pit of your stomach, the source of your pain
A monthly joy, so despised
I caress you, can't quite help it
There's so much of you I can't resist.

Our faces close, the curve of a smile begins
Another morning in the comfort of your presence,
Safe and loved, nothing else exists
When I wake up next to you
On the cusp of another day, with thoughts of
The night before enough to nudge me forwards
And a delicate whisper, familiar to my ears
Rippling through the silence,
Like a breadcrumb dropped on still water;
"Hello."
Good morning, my love.