black hole.

i am nothing
i cannot express it more simply than that
i am worth no time, no effort
nothing on your part

compliment, criticism,
they bounce, equally
like invalid cheques
for the account does not exist
i cannot accept either
for i am emptiness
i am vacancy
i am worthlessness
i am desolation

i am, even
that statement does not apply
these inhabited set of cells
useless, no function
they collide with lives
somewhere, guilt-ridden
no one deserves to be affected
by something of such little substance
i am sorry

sorry for my existence
the energy to care has left me
so why do i live anymore
why should i be substantial
what claim have i
to occupy space
to consume air

within this grey i reside
waiting, for absolution
for pardon
simply wasteful
of God's good earth
and infinite love
i deserve neither
for how can a vacuum
be deserving of any right

release me soon, i beg you
before this nothingness
begins to collapse
fold into itself
and drag others down
with it
let me go
let me fade
allow the empty
to cease existing

a flicker of sanity left
one hope
don't let me suck the life
from anyone else
let this end
please.

too much.

Can’t breathe 
Can’t think 
Too close


Too deep
 Trapped in sheets 
So weak

So weak 
Memories bleak
 They won’t Leave
 Need to scream 
Can’t scream


Its killing me
 Too much for me


Too much for me

compliments.

I'm so confused
and frustrated
I'm just being nice
I'm being a decent human being
giving you a compliment or two
showing you that
I always see the best in you

but no, it's too far
too many connotations
it's flirting
definitely flirting
she wants more
you want more
she wants you
what the fuck do you want
make your mind up
sort your life out
don't lead her astray
to places she'll regret
you'll regret
just stop
calm down
lay off
you're dragging her in
stop it
stop it now
you're hurting her
just leave.

just a compliment
i swear,
not charming,
not flirting,
not sweet-talking
i'm just
being
fucking
nice
why isn't that
okay these days

why do we live
in such a shattered
broken glass society
we're all terrified
of cutting ourselves
snagging flesh
on the judgments of others
so afraid,
that a compliment
a gentle word
something that, somehow
draws a smile
suddenly that's too much
it means such a lot
and we magnify
and marinate
and swill it
round and round
until it expands with pressure

just accept it for what it was.
can't i just be nice anymore?

empty shell.

Do you ever just feel like
The weight, of everything,
Is crushing you
Right in front of people
As you walk, sit, talk
There's a darkness
Trying to stamp you out
Out of existence
Wrench you from this world
Drag you under
Until there's nothing left of you
Just an empty shell
And still, you'd keep on
Walking, sitting, talking
And no-one would know
No-one would know.

I am nothing without you 

A fucking waste of space

Why am I alive

I want it all to stop

blue, black, fading.

Bruised,

Like last week's beating

Starting to fade

Yet a blue, black outline

Lingers on pale skin

I can feel your hands

Gripping my heart

I want it back

Or do I

Some days I try, I pull

See myself tearing it away from you

Other days, it stays 

Locked in your grasp

And I watch it beating there

Content to have you hold it

Like you have 

For such a long time

One day

You're going to throw it back at me

You'll disgust yourself with the thought

That you ever touched it

And I'm waiting, right here

To catch it

And drop it

And lose it

It feels like its already fading

Just a mark on pale skin

Blue, black, fading

Not the beating, life-sustaining

Centre of warmth that it should be

I'll stare out of that window

Landscape passing in a blur

And it'll no longer rush

At the though of seeing you

It'll no longer pound in anticipation

Or break, at that distance

Growing between us again

No, it will see nothing

But bleak endless nothing

Slipping into grey

And I won't feel anything

Just, empty

And an ache

That fucking ache

It feels sometimes like

That's all I'll ever have

The one constant,

Accompanied by the whispers

On the edges of my mind 

Gaps in my sanity,

An empty void in my chest

And it'll all be gone

Blue, then black, fading

Soon enough.

last, night.

Driving

So fast,

Lights a blur

Music thumping

Green light, green light

Car shaking

I'm shaking

But I'm calm

And it occurs to me

A flick of my wrist, and-

Finished.

Just like that.

I can see it, in my head

Slow motion

Silence

A lurch forwards and then

And then darkness.

That'd be it.

No more panic

No more bile

No more bleeding

No more thoughts

No more guilt

No more pain

No more.

I came so close.

Closer than I thought I would.

Don't leave me.

what do i do when the world is empty

dream, struggling.

Coarse,

It grates against 

The bruised skin on my neck

Blinded,

I see nothing

Feel my breath 

Clouding around my face

Trapped, inside this

Dusty, sweaty sack

Blood roaring in my ears

A force slams into my back

The floor beneath my feet, gone -

And I fall

Air snatched away

A vice clamped around my throat

The rope cuts, and closes

Sack, suffocates, and

I struggle

And struggle

And struggle

Legs flailing,

Wrists bound, fists clenching

And I struggle, still

Threatening to cave

Under immense deprivation

And yet, I linger 

Only seeing darkness

Paralysed between

And I struggle

It won't end

Constantly, dying

I wake, 

My own hands clasped

At my neck

Thumbs pressed inwards

And I wonder,

Why must I always be asleep

Unaware, no control

Not enough motivation

To just, press

And hold

And hold

And fall.

stuck in my throat.

Nights are the worst.

Hopelessness, so hard to swallow
Despite the alcohol I force down to help
It gets stuck in my throat, it won't leave.

I'd like to say it is has nothing to do with you
But it does.

This isn't meant to be poetry
I can't make this sound right
It is brittle, it grates on my skin
Just as my nails do
When I can't bear to look at myself anymore.

You think I'm a cold, heartless bitch
Maybe you're right,
But not for the reasons you think
Because being apart from you is killing me
Sucking the life from me
I am in so much fucking pain, because
I let you down, and I promised I wouldn't.

Maybe you'll never understand why I did it
You think what you like,
Because each stab in the chest when I remember what I did
I deserve.

But this pain isn't new, it's a friend
Coming back again and again
Since those months when I promised I'd change for you
Stop hurting you
Be enough for you
Only, the pain didn't last this long
Because I could run back into your arms and you'd take me
Now there's nothing left.

I threw myself away, and there's darkness.

I am voiceless.

Spineless.

Worthless.

I can't go back now, won't go back now.
It's all for you, don't you see,
I will always have your best interests at heart

And I know, because of that
I'll never be loved, like you loved me, again.

puppet.

A puppet on strings
Limbs, handled by
Your manipulating fingers

Now the strings have been cut
And I'm lying on the floor
Lifeless, with no idea

How to walk again
How to think, act, feel
Because a puppet is nothing

Without it's master to guide it
I was a fool to think
That I was anything else

A piece of stuffed cloth
A painted face, no heartbeat
Lead in my chest

And I let you hold my strings
Pull them this way, that way
I have only myself to blame,

Only me
I am a puppet without strings
And I am pathetic.

stolen slumber.

Why is my mind still

Tick tick ticking

Chewing on these guilt pills

Scratching til my skin bleeds

Trying not to see,

See that shadow in the corner

A plague in my head

Or is it?

Staring at this screen

All night if I have to

Avoiding all that dark space

Yet sleep will keep evading me

Eyes won't rest a second now,

This rhythm needs to stop

Before it builds into a hurricane

Of weeping, shaking, sad again

Not that again.

Leave me, please.

Let me ease into

A dreamless slumber,

No screaming, faded pictures

Twisted faces, scary places

Just, sleep. Peace.

Come back to me.

panic.

There's a rope around my chest

Tied, like a noose

And they are pulling it

Tighter, tighter, tighter

Each breath torn from lungs

The air sucked away

Quicker, quicker

As the pit of my stomach falls away

Tighter, tighter,

Pain building

Bile forced up my throat

Quicker, quicker

Head pounding, heart aching

Limbs failing

Tighter,

Vision fading

Quicker,

Tight,

Quick,

Black.

bedtime.

When the steady rhythms of the day 

Come to a halt in the darkness

Silence begins to seep into my mind

Like rising water in a sinking ship

Then the voices shout louder, louder 

Drowning the truth out

Echoing in emptiness

Repeating over and over and over

It's all your fault.

It's all your fault.

shattered.

The trust we had

Turned to pieces of shattered glass

That now shred our attempts

To fit ourselves back together

Maybe, those pieces

Can be smoothed, no longer sharp,

By perseverance, effort, love

Or sharpened by my failings,

My mistakes, my thoughtless actions

That I can't seem to stop

And we'll never be whole again.

i keep my thoughts in boxes.

On the back shelf, tucked away
Where I can’t see them
Can’t hear them shuffling
Waiting to spring free

I refuse to open them
Touch them, even think about them

Because then they exist
Then they have to be dealt with
I can’t do that
I’m not strong enough

Not as strong as my aunt
Who lies in a hospital bed, miles away
Pins in her back,
Cancer cells intertwined with her spine
Infused in her bones
A tumour in her knee
Fluid in her lungs

She can’t ignore the pain anymore
Her organs are failing
And she knows it
She’s starting to hallucinate
She’s fading, after two years of battle

They say I’m like her.
I’m nothing like her.

I’ll never be as strong,
As brave or determined
To keep on going
My words are nothing, can do nothing
To describe her courage
And immense love for others
That has kept her heart beating

She’s the strongest woman I’ll know
And she doesn’t deserve
To be kept in a box on a shelf anymore

I need to be strong
But my chest is so heavy
I can’t let this pain out
Or it might tear me apart

How can this happen
It’s not fucking fair
How can someone with so much love
And so much to live for
Be stolen from a world that needs her

You can’t take her, you can’t

I can’t stop crying
It won’t stop hurting
I don’t know when it’ll stop
But at least she’ll be resting somewhere
Free from suffering, at peace
That’s what matters.

anxiety.

Can't sleep

Can't sleep

Can't sleep

Heart is ticking

Mind, beating

Veins, pulsing

With life, adrenalin

Worry, 

ANXIETY

Boom boom boom

Thought after thought after

Endless noise

My own voice

Marching, drumming

Screaming, 

Echoing round and round and

Won't stop

It won't stop

Pace quickens and

Breathing faster and

Palms unclean, sticky, sweaty

Always guilty

Always guilty

Need to fight it

Must control it

Push me that way

Pull me this way,

Someone's shaking my cage

Let me out.

peace.

The sky shimmers before me

An ever-moving surface, ripples and

Blades of white and blue

Through the gentle, curving arms

Bark and leaves above

Greening in the sunlight

The rain has passed,

I could move, but

I'm paralysed in place

All sound has gone,

It's peaceful

I wonder how cool and 

Quieter still, beneath the surface

It could be,

I wonder, if I never moved

From this spot again

No one would notice

Until darkness later

But the voices would fade,

Gradually

My heart would stop hammering

In my chest, the pain would calm

I'd stop shaking,

Tears would never fall again

All the worry, the weight

Would cease to be

It'd melt into the ground

Through my feet, cementing me in place

Rooted, but free

The breeze again my skin, stone white

Mind encased, words faltering

Preventing me from causing anyone

Any hurt again.

Silence in my head and heart

I'd fall quietly from the world

It'd be a far better place

If I stayed here in this place.

disgrace.

I have never been more disgusted

At myself, my very being

I want to rip all of my skin off

Tear every strand of hair from everything

I am loathsome

Vile.

I try so hard to be a good person

Maybe thats because, really

If I'm honest with myself

I'm the shittest excuse of a person

That ever lived.

I don't deserve, anything

I'm a disgrace.

half a wordsmith.

Frozen by inadequacy,

I can't move.

Don't think I deserve to.

Words like knives

Fall from my mouth

They hurt her, and 

I can't seem to stop them

A person like that

Should be broken in two

The sincerity of my apology

Lost because,

I've uttered it so many times

Yet I can't seem to stop them

I don't deserve her,

I should be locked in a room

Alone, so that my words

Can only hurt me

As they do now

I use to pride myself

On being a wordsmith,

A lover of the written and spoken

But I am a sham, a waste

How can I be anything worth

When my words carve hatred,

Breed hostility, mean nothing anymore

I don't deserve her.

I never wanted to hurt her.

I should go.

take me back.

Three hours, and
Already I can't breathe
The walls are closing in, closing in
Sun is setting, or is it
Shutting down
It feels like I never left
Yet I know that the better world
Is out there somewhere,
Out of my reach for now
Head down, head down
Get it done, get on with it
Not long to go
Really?
I can't believe you anymore
Doors slamming, people cramming
All that useless information
Into tired heads
Time is endless,
This room, so small
Lack of air, choking me
Soaking me in hopelessness
I don't want to be here,
Take me back.

leaning.

You're leaning against the railings

On the roof of a building

The wind cuts at your skin

You can see for miles

The sky doesn't seem as far away

As the ground does now

The ground, down below

You look, and curious for more

You search to see where the building 

Meets the earth

Further, you push yourself

Head angled, hands gripping steel

When that momentum propels you

A little further than you intended-

For a split second you're already falling

And nauseating pain

A fishing hook dragged 

Up and through your diaphragm

And into your mouth

Soundlessly screaming-

Then you right yourself

Pull your body away from the edge

Head flings back

And your feet never felt 

So firmly planted

Swallow the bile, the fear

Racing heart slows

You'll survive another day.

That feeling, that choking inevitable

Screeching nausea

As you tilt over into open space

Is constant these days

I see over the edge

I'm too close

I can hear the blood 

Roaring in my ears, pressure building

The sky is upturning

One more push

And I'll start falling

Failure, then there's no going back

I'm so close.

air supply.

Fingers close around my throat

Thumbs press on my larynx

Tightens grasp

And the air leaves me

Momentary,

I exist in a world without function

Sparks dance in my eyes

And my brain hungers 

Starved of life

Throat is parched, dry

Chest paralysed

I feel it caving in

Against its will

No consent for this

Blood, ceases

The flow is cut

No spluttering,

I long for stillness, for

A stop.

Release.

And it rushes back

Life resumes

Body rises

I drink it in

The sweetness of it

Cool and clear

And cleansing

Purging my body of

Piling toxins 

Heart pumps vivaciously

Rhythm restored

Lesson learnt.

not good enough.

Failure

Doesn't try hard enough

Under achieving

No motivation

Lacks common sense

A disgrace

Stutters her words

Undesired

Doesn't deserve

Doesn't fit

Will never fit

Laughable

Not capable

Inconsistent

Indecisive

Waste of space.

Piece by truthful piece

They form her

Each word a brick

In her crumbling wall of

Self worth.

ice/mare.

I'm walking on ice
Sheet ice,
Thin as card
Every step, and a crack
Echoes across the surface
The inky black below,
Nothingness,
I can see breathing
Wisps of me
In front of my face
Limited, they disappear
As if they never existed
Naked, shaking
The cold bites at my skin
I'd call out
You're by the shore, somewhere
Safe on solid ground
There's comfort in that
But you're moving too far away
And I'm panicking
And my steps are heavier
Every breath, quicker
And I'm scared
More so, than the
Nothingness
That you won't reach
And help me
Why should you,
I'm the one who's
Thrown myself across
To this place
Sharp, the ice edges closer
It's cutting me
Blood spreads, like
Thick butter
Shatters
And I'm drowning
And I can't see you
And

holding on.

I feel as though
on a knife edge

that scathing blade
lying, passive

waiting for
that one raging
silent night

when thoughts
boil over into despair
and the phone is too

far to

reach



I'm holding my breath
and my lungs
are slowly aching
with building pressure
can't be sated

until the pain has
carved its way through my skin

I need to release these words
but
refresh the page
refresh the page
waiting lists aren't
for the impatient

I can't hold on much longer
I'm drowning in guilt

stop with the pity party,
she says
but is it still a party
if its all in my head?

your eyes.

Writing words, legibile sentences
About a person's eyes
Can be hard
They can be closed, shut off
Dark and dull
Colourless, abandoned
There's no soul to seek there

But your eyes
One gaze, and too many words
I'm lost in them
That warm amber glow that absorbs
My entire attention
Your eyes are the beautiful, 
Unflinching cores onto which I hold
When everything else around us
Tilts a little
Windows into your soul -
Deep, endless oceans 
That I fall into, willingly, 
Rejecting gravity
As I fall more in love with you every day

family hands.

Strength.

The tones of her voice

Thick as chords

Intertwining, into the rope

That pulls us all together

Upright, loud and clear

Reasonable

Like a butter knife

She moulds the tension 

Into laughter, memories

Sustained by sincere, gentle

Family hands

Disease.

Limbs thwarted by 

The selfish poison

Organ after organ

Swiping them aside

Spine carved over

Now she can only look down

Thick blood, congealed

Giving up, sticking to her veins

Breath recoiling, preferring 

The air clean outside her lungs

The flame is failing

Composure, flailing 

What else is left

Ending.

Was there no other decayed soul

To choose from

That you had to pick the purest

From your hat of gold

Not laughing now

Memories stained

By withered hands

It won't stop raining 

Fading plans

You've done it now

The world can't keep turning

Love is burning

The weak won't rise again.

second day back and you're already crying
what a stupid cunt you are
can't deal with anything
insecure and worthless
you don't deserve to be here
you don't even want to be here
you're a piece of shit
no wonder she doesn't want to talk to you
no wonder they've all fucking gone
why so surprised
when you get kicked around
that's all you are
the fattest person in there
careful, you'll break the mirror
a shitty excuse for a person
you're not good enough for her,
good enough for anyone
he made you to be alone
you were born to be alone
everyone else knows it
so just leave
go away
so you can't hurt people anymore

missing out.

I feel like I'm not living enough
And yet
I don't know what living is
How I'm supposed to do it
Pressurepressurepressure
To make the right choice
Do the wrong thing, and laugh about it later
I keep getting it the wrong way round
All those photos
Smiling dancing drinking
Being happy
Should I be in them?

And I don't know what to do
I don't know how to act
I don't know who to be

I keep tripping up and
Missing out and
I can't keep in time
With the rest of them

Someone point me in the direction
Of the right decade,
The identity shop
Because mine doesn't fit right.